How Family Trauma Affects Our Health

Love, joy and having each other's backs, may be how you feel a family should be, but what if conflicts and arguments are the only thing you know? 

Well I would like to start with, even though it’s much harder to grow closer through conflict, that’s exactly the invitation conflict brings. It’s about seeing the gift in the challenge presented to you, to allow all involved to grow and understand each other better, including your own self awareness... 

This is something I reflect on often, now that I understand the energetic affects our emotions have on our body, but growing up all I felt was alone, unloved and judged. This is something I carried for many years until I began to open my perception to my family’s dynamics and the roles we all played. 

I used to think family dynamics and the emotional trauma that came along with it was just part of life, and it is to a degree, but truly seeing how a particular person affects you can help you tremendously with creating tools for your own well being.  It allows you to find peace and reminds you that we are all here to serve a purpose and that each person is giving you the opportunity to see things from a different point of view (as hard as that may be at times).  

It’s about recognising your role in your family and then acknowledging that you are solely responsible for your own energy. Other family members may not want you to believe this, but it’s absolutely true. Our (so called) loved ones can be hurtful to us, but ultimately you have the power to change how you interact with them.  You need to put yourself first (no matter how big or small those steps might look like) and start seeing each family member for who they truly are. 

Once you’ve discovered each family member's role within the dynamics of your family, you can then start to understand them better and interact with them the way that best suits your energy. 

I’ve written many articles on how to connect with yourself, your soul, your inner child, your worth and many more and I welcome you to read them, but addressing the unhealthy behaviours that exist within the family dynamics has been, by far the toughest. Even with all my tools, diving into the energetics of your family is bound to trigger emotions and memories.

Working with the energy and personalities of many individuals can feel overwhelming, so the best place to start is with yourself.  It takes true strength to witness the light and the dark within yourself and those you are supposed to hold dearest. 

Understanding is power. It gives you the strength to believe in yourself and to see the truth in a situation.

And understanding the truth behind why a particular action (that your sibling or parent did) had such an impact on you, can be very confronting. Because there’s always a chance  they’re mirroring something you dislike in yourself. 

WHAT FAMILY STRESS REALLY DOES TO THE BODY

We’re all aware that stress has a negative effect on our health, but do you think about the detrimental effects a toxic relationship has on your mental and emotional well being?

Stress can affect our body, our brain and how we behave.  Far too often though the warning signs go unnoticed or ignored and this is when our health suffers.

 Once you have pinpointed the patterns of behaviour within your family, start to become aware of how this affects your mood, body language, energy levels, self-esteem, and peace of mind. Knowing how to recognise toxicity and its effects is the first step to understanding your feelings and empowering yourself to deal with the situation.

Keep in mind that hardships may strengthen one person, yet  make another bitter.  

Try to shift your perception of the toxicity by understanding it comes from a place of unhappiness or discontent. People’s hurtful actions will then become less hurtful to you when you realise they reflect their inner state rather than you.

Below are different symptoms that may help you recognise that your body is showing you early warning signs of how your interaction with others is affecting your health:

Headaches - Such as tension or migraines.

Mood - Irritability, anger or sadness.

Chest Pains - Please don’t ever ignore this. Yes, it could be heartburn, but stress contributes to factors such as high blood pressure, that can raise the risk of a heart attack and other cardiovascular issues.

Stomach - Upset stomach or gastrointestinal issues like ulcers, hiatus-hernia or even irritable bowel syndrome.

Sex Drive - Diminished.

Skin - Flare ups of certain skin conditions. Stress leads to a lot of changes in your hormones.   This can increase oil production contributing to acne. Stress can also worsen psoriasis and eczema (eczema was something I dealt with a lot as a child, due to emotional stress).

Pain - Muscle tension or pain, in the neck, shoulders or back.

Anxiety and Depression - Substance abuse, work productivity, lack of sleep, social interaction.

Asthma - Emotional Asthma is real and something I was in hospital for several times a year growing up.This is the one that affected me the most throughout my childhood.  

But the hardest statistic is that 1 in 3 teens report depression due to Family stress.

Isn’t it time we all take a good look at the roles we play in each other's life.  Your health, amongst many other things, will be so grateful you did.

ROLES WITHIN THE FAMILY DYNAMICS

I share these behaviours in the hope of helping you possibly see things from a different perspective.  Because we’re all individual souls looking to be seen, understood and cherished.  

It’s easy to react and take things personally, but more growth is available when you allow yourself to see the innocence of all involved,  that’s the gift that’s being presented to you.

Ask yourself ..

How can I soften my heart and drop my defenses enough to see things from a different point of view?

How can I see the innocence of all involved? 

How can I learn to see the similarities rather than the differences? 

If you allow yourself this opportunity, you’ll feel much more connected to your true essence and perhaps also to all involved.

Below are 6 of the most common roles played within a family, a few of which I know all too well from my childhood, which unfortunately continued into my adult life with my relationship with my  brother.  And as adults the pain can still cut just as deep if you haven’t taken the time to understand it. Recognising these roles won’t necessarily change the relationships you have with your family, but by changing your perspective you can shift the way you view all involved. 

The Narcissist  has a strong sense of entitlement and superiority that requires excessive admiration even when there is no proof to warrant it. If this admiration is not given then they become impatient or angry. They expect compliance without questions or any form of resistance. Quite simply their way is the only way and everyone must conform to fit their needs. They have an inability or unwillingness to recognise the needs and emotions of others. They have difficulty regulating their own emotions, making adjusting to change next to impossible. They insist on having the best of everything and look down upon others whom they perceive as inferior. A shadow side of a narcissist is they may belittle or manipulate others as a way of making themselves feel superior in order to get their way. Overall, a narcissistic struggles immensely with feelings of shame, insecurity, and vulnerability, which is ultimately where their behaviour stems from. 

The Scapegoat  is the one who is usually targeted by a narcissist (who may then get the rest of the family involved and gang up on the scapegoat). The Scapegoat carries all the shame the rest of the family doesn’t want to confront or deal with.  All the unwanted emotions and bad qualities are unloaded and projected onto them, so the others don’t have to confront or deal with these problems in themselves.  It’s usually the most sensitive member of the family who becomes the Scapegoat, because that person tends to be the Truth Teller, the only family member who can see the dysfunction and may even react against it. This person is a threat to the narcissists in the family because emotional expression is such a frightening thing to them.  In many, if not most dysfunctional families, the expression of emotion is not allowed. So the most emotional or sensitive becomes the scapegoat, especially if they rebel against the dysfunction or criticise it.  Unfortunately scapegoats tend to be talked badly about by the other family members, they may be given less emotional or financial support as they are seen more as an outsider.

The Golden child  is often seen as the parent’s pride, and joy.  This is usually based on their fantasy of what they want that child to be, not necessarily who the child really is.. The Golden Child, basking in constant approval, never held accountable for any wrongdoing, often recruited as a co-abuser of the Scapegoat, grows up entitled and spoiled.  Because their ‘true self’ has never been given the opportunity to emerge and possibly their less than perfect traits have been ignored, they have the possibility of developing Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Seeing it this way shows how their souls are destroyed even more than the Scapegoat’s because they had to play a role rather than be who they were born to be, so their true self became internalised. They ultimately allow the world to view them this way and this is when their ‘ false self’ becomes their identity. Golden Children have the possibility of becoming narcissistic themselves and continue their entitled, bullying, manipulative behaviour into adulthood and may continue the cycle.  

The Lost child  in larger families (three or more children), may be ignored and treated as if they don’t exist. This isn’t a form of silent treatment; it’s as if the parents don’t notice the child is there at all.  The Lost Child isn’t victimized like the Scapegoat, but they aren’t spoiled either. They may or may not be recruited to assist in the abuse of the Scapegoat, but they won’t necessarily be punished if they don’t cooperate; they will simply be ignored.  The Lost Child’s role in the family is to be quiet and shy, and not make any waves. They are probably aware of the family dynamics and may sympathise with the scapegoat (but don’t let anyone know this). As they grow older, they may crave attention or develop addictions, or they may remain shy and retiring throughout their lives. They tend to avoid confrontation and drama and may become extremely introverted.

The Clown attempts to divert attention away from the family dysfunction (and also get attention for themselves) by making light of everything. Everything becomes a joke to them, and they even use their own families as sources for humor.  Clowns can be disruptive in class as children, to get attention, but because of their ability to see the humor in things, they tend to be outgoing and develop a large circle of friends during adolescence and adulthood (even if they are never taken very seriously). Family Clowns are almost never scapegoats because they entertain everyone and take the focus off the family problems.  In spite of their jovial manner, clowns are likely to be depressed because they have never learned to confront or deal with their true feelings. They hide behind a wall of laughter. Their sense of humor is really just a cover for their pain.  Many clowns become addicted to drugs or alcohol, and a few become suicidal. 

The Enabler in the family attempts to “fix” the family dysfunction by being obedient, non-confrontational, overly generous, and self-sacrificing. The enabler may be highly empathetic and tries to serve all the needs of the narcissist, which of course is not possible.  They will never argue with or criticise anyone and are always trying to get everyone to get along, which also is not possible. They may be the only family member who doesn’t abuse the Scapegoat, but they might if they feel like it’s required. However, even if they do collude in the Scapegoat’s abuse, they will be less abusive than the other family members, tending to take a back seat or even sympathise with the Scapegoat in private. In trying to please everyone, they please no one and feel helpless. It’s a no-win situation.

If opening the door to understanding these behaviours more, and playing with the dynamics of your family is something that interests you, please feel free to take advantage of my free 30 minute discovery call. 

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