Toxic Families At Christmas
With Christmas fast approaching I’d like to speak to the collective energy that looms heavily for many. It’s that feeling of family that you’ve always longed for, but never really had.
Far too many of us have been raised to accept that we must love our family unconditionally, and knowing how some families are, that can be an impossible task.
In my opinion, the only thing more challenging and heartbreaking than having to sit in a room with people who show no love or compassion for you, is to cut them off and end the connection and distance yourself once and for all. Be that as it may, for the well being of your mental, physical and emotional well-being as well as your soul, sometimes this is necessary.
Family ties are some of the strongest bonds we as humans have in our lives. Whether you are family by blood or choice, everyone has certain people they consider to be family.
Family is supposed to always be there for you and you never expect your family to hurt you. Unfortunately though, some family members can be more destructive and damaging than anyone else.
When this sacred bond is broken, it can leave a lasting wound. A wound that if left open will fester and grow deeper and cause long lasting scars and trauma.
The truth is, some people are simply too toxic for you to be around and you need to move on without them.
Don’t be ashamed of deciding to put yourself first. Never put your physical, mental, or emotional well-being on the line just because someone is ‘family’.
I have lived that trauma and still (at times) have it bubble up from the wounds that I believed I had healed, but these wounds run deep and finding you still have some residue of pain and suffering lodged in your cells is not surprising.
I speak from my personal experience as well as my experience with body and soul science when I say, removing the core issue and bathing the wound with light codes, compassion, understanding and love may take time. However, every cell in your body will benefit from you taking that first step and not swallowing the problem and burying it down deeper trying to pretend it doesn’t exist.
HOW TO DECIPHER WHO IS TOXIC IN YOUR FAMILY
Childhood memories and any memory for that matter, play a huge part in how we act or react to those around us.
To be the best version of ourselves we need to acknowledge how much our lived experiences affect us.
Once you acknowledge how a particular person affects you, instead of just shrugging it off you will start to notice signs.
Do they feed off drama, instead of leading with compassion?
Have you ever decided to turn to a family member for some advice or shared some of your deepest fears?
You expose your vulnerabilities in the hopes of receiving some sort of understanding and guidance, but instead they fuel your emotions and you feel worse than you did before.
You may even find they have told the entire family what you spoke about.
Do they judge you?
Yes, constructive criticism is extremely healthy in every relationship. However, repeated, aggressive or degrading criticism can affect a person’s self-confidence on a very deep level.
Family members that are overly judgmental and controlling are the worst emotionally toxic people, and I speak from experience when I say, you don’t need to feel bad about removing yourself from their presence.
Are they only there for you if it somehow benefits them?
Unfortunately, this is very common. A toxic family member will only decide to help you if they have something to gain. Normally, they will come to you for advice or help, but as soon as you give them what they want, they will choose to distance themselves from you once again.
This feels like such a betrayal because you want them in your life and you felt like you were getting closer and then they’re gone again. You are left feeling like the only time they want you is when they need something.
Do they often manipulate the situation?
If you know someone who claims they never did or said something when you and everyone else around knows that’s a lie… you are being gaslighted.
Gaslighting is a technique based on planting seeds of doubt in the mind of the victim in an attempt to make them feel helpless and question their own sanity and memory.Chances are, you might have a family member that matches the description above. If so, they are a horrible threat to your mental health.
FORGIVING THOSE WHO HAVE WRONGED YOU
This doesn’t mean they have to be part of your life, it simply means you’ve chosen to not allow the pain they’ve caused you to reside in your cells any longer.
But please keep in mind that forgiving someone does change the energy between you, and sometimes that’s all that is needed for the other person to forgive themselves.
Sometimes good people do bad things and they deserve a second chance.
Either way, forgiving those who have hurt you will ultimately benefit you.
When you think about forgiveness, what comes to mind?
Is there a family member that you feel you simply can’t forgive?
When you think of that person, what do you start to feel? Is it hatred, anger, hurt or heartbreak?
Now think about how much energy is involved with holding onto that emotion. It starts to fill your body and your field with such heaviness.
It’s that heaviness that’s weighing you down, slowing you down, making you feel like the world is against you.
Is it really worth it?
Think about this...
HATRED IS LIKE DRINKING POISON AND EXPECTING THE OTHER PERSON TO DIE.
I know those are strong words, but that poison is eating you up inside.
We get caught up in what that person did to us and we react from a place that perpetuates the problem.
But when you stop and feel into the core of your emotion and illuminate what is happening, you realise that hatred is eating you up and slowly killing the very essence of who you are.
The hatred you carry isn't harming the person who did you wrong, it’s harming you, it’s keeping you stuck in the past.
Stop allowing the past to still have a hold on your present, it’s stopping you from moving forward.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean you forget or are justifying the wrong, it simply means you’re not willing to carry that poison within you anymore.
Recognising this is the first step to freeing yourself from the heaviness, and opening the door to the change that is required.
HOW DOES THE FAMILY TRAUMA FROM THE PAST AFFECT YOU NOW?
Well, the reality is, the trauma may have occurred many years ago, but we’re still carrying it with us today. Whether it was something that happened last year, when you were a child or even to a past family member if you feel anxious about catching up with a loved one, the energy is still residing in your cells.
I’ve been intentionally working with Generational Healing for the past couple of years now, but unknowingly doing it my entire life, most of us have.
And Christmas is the time of the year that triggers us the most.
By working with the energy that is held collectively within your family (both past and present), you can transform patterns of pain and abuse, and gradually reclaim the positive spirit of the family back.
Even though it’s much harder to grow closer through conflict, that’s exactly the invitation conflict brings to us.
We need to see the gift in the challenge presented to us, to allow all involved to grow and understand each other better, including our own self-awareness.
This is something I reflect on often, and especially at Christmas time, now that I understand the energetic effects our emotions have on our bodies. However, growing up all I felt was alone, unloved and judged. This is something I carried for many years until I began to open my perception to my family’s dynamics and the parts we all played.
Diving into the energetics of your family is bound to trigger emotions and memories.
Working with the energy and personalities of many individuals can feel overwhelming, so the best place to start is with yourself.
It takes true strength to witness the light and the dark within yourself and those you are supposed to hold dearest.
To help release this energy, we must witness and acknowledge the unresolved pain to allow it to clear and release.
Think about the struggles and pain your family has endured throughout your lifetime. If that trauma was unable to be resolved (at the time) these issues became trapped energetically within the cells that are very much alive and responsive today.
So be gentle with yourself and if your body is being triggered by a family member, it’s probably time you start going within to free yourself.
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