The Love & Loss Between A Parent And A Child

Back in my 20’s I purchased a gorgeous ornament of a pregnant woman sitting cross-legged with her hands in prayer above her head. It came with an insightful poem by an inspirational Lebanese writer Kahlil Gibran. This very poem sparked an energy that encouraged me to see my children as the precious gifts they are. I’d like to share it with you. 

OUR CHILDREN

Your children are not your children.

They are sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you.

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the make upon the path of the infinite,

and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies,

so He also loves the bow that is stable.

~~~

This poem allowed me to not only move my sight into the future, but also into the past. 

It sparked a journey of grief with the loss of the relationship that didn’t truly exist then with my parents, to the magic of the unknown of the future with my children. 

I have since acknowledged a few core issues that resonate strongly with my inner child as well as the woman I became. 

The more you sit in the stillness of LOSS & LOVE the louder these thoughts will stand out. 

They’re words of acknowledgment of the impact a person has in your life. 

Recognise the importance of this person in your life and let them know how important they truly are to you.

We shouldn’t take anyone for granted. 

Seize the moment and let the ones you love know how having them in your life makes your life worthwhile. 

LETTING THEM KNOW YOU CARE

From allowing myself time to sit with the pain I carried from my parents, I can speak with certainty that there are words we all need to hear, no matter how old we are, and we want to hear them directly from our parents.

Whether we're little, teens, young adults or mature adults… we're never too young or too old to hear these 5 important things.

What would our world be like if everyday parents and role models were sharing these messages with their children?

1. Thank you – you give my life purpose and joy

There is nothing in life more valuable than the relationships we have with our loved ones.

These relationships bring purpose and joy to our lives. The purpose of parenthood is unlike anything else, giving life to another and encouraging them to evolve brings a new level of depth and meaning to our life journey.

So tell your children this!

Let them know the gravity of their value, purpose and meaning in your life, how much they have enriched your world!

2. I love you – every moment, including all the times I don't say it or act that way

People of all ages need to receive love and affirmation to support them on their journey in life, and it's incredibly important to get that directly from our parents or guardians.

Children look to their parents and immediate role models (guardians and grandparents, etc) for bonding, security, safety, acceptance and unconditional love.

It's not enough to be loving. This world can be a challenging place, and each soul needs to HEAR & FEEL the words, I love you.

3. I'm sorry – for anything that I've said or done, or not said or done that might have let you down

No one is perfect, and the ability to say “I'm sorry” goes a long way to building bonds and a sense of security in a relationship.

While most of us know this, we may not think about this in terms of the parent/child relationship. Most of the time we immediately think of children needing to say sorry for doing something wrong, not meeting expectations, or being naughty. But what about when adults get it wrong?

When adults say sorry, it teaches children valuable lessons in humility, making amends, and forgiveness, and it also builds a deeper level of trust.

4. I appreciate you - You're an incredible person and what I appreciate most about you is…

How good does it feel when someone praises you for some inherent part of your nature and personality?

It's a huge affirmation, a confidence booster, a wave of love washes over you.

By praising children, we cement the essentials for life… self-esteem, self-confidence, self-belief and self-love.

Even though I have 4 amazing children who all have the same parents and upbringing, they are all entirely different. They each have different strengths and weaknesses and are all uniquely their own person. Knowing how they tick and what makes them who they are, is the blessing life offers us.

Take the time to understand them, to get to know them and share with them how much you appreciate them for who they are. 

5. I'm proud of you – for who you are, no matter what you do

In a society that is built to condition people to strive to be more, get more and do more, too many children grow up thinking they need to achieve certain standards in order to be loved and in order for their parents to be proud of them. I know I felt this. 

Because social media, news and advertising are all working hard to condition young minds to become more, do more, get more, succeed, strive and look a certain way in order to be “good”, it's our job to tell the children in our lives that we are proud of them, full stop.

We're proud of them for who they are as a person, no matter what they do.

Children need to know that there is nothing they can do or not do, say or not say that will make them less or more loved. They are magical just as they are.

This gives children the mindset and emotional foundation necessary to thrive in their life… so they can go out into life to creatively and intuitively follow their heart's desire to whatever they freely choose to be, do and experience in this world. Not for validation or acceptance, just for the joy of it.

So allow their passion and creativity to flow free by accepting them for who they are. 

RECOGNISING OUR PARENTS ARE HUMAN

Acknowledging that our parents had their own life and their own pain and emotions before they became our parents is a huge part of loving THEM and loving YOU. 

I know it may be hard to see your parents as actual people who had a life before you were born, but by doing this, it allows the energy of their pain and insecurities to be acknowledged and accepted. 

Taking it one step further and seeing your parents as children with their own vulnerabilities and pain that they carry from their childhood weaves a field of acceptance within your lineage. 

Perhaps even take yourself back to a time when your parents were the age you are now.

Feel the pressure you experience in your everyday life but then picture your parents living that pressure when you were the age your children are now. 

Recognising they’re human too and they went through similar life experiences (maybe even worse) may allow you to open up to why they were the way they were when you were growing up. 

I’m not saying it gives them an excuse for their behaviour or how they made you feel, but understanding they’re human and they were doing the best they knew how to do at the time, may help you forgive the pain you endured. 

Completing the cycle between the generations will bring fresh energy into your family’s timeline, this, in turn, will allow your parents, when their time comes, to transition from this world feeling loved, forgiven and most importantly understood. 

We all look back on life at some point and feel we should have done better, made better choices or treated someone with more kindness.

By holding space for your loved ones who came before you and those who come after you, you start to interpret what your body and soul are revealing to you. 

It’s your opportunity to re-thread the energy and acknowledge and forgive the past, but before you do, give the energy of your future generations the chance to have their input too.

Bringing this fresh life to an event that may have collapsed your field previously, can help to fundamentally build out a new foundation allowing your future to be more sturdy.

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