Inner Child Healing
Every child deserves the fundamental right to feel safe, secure, and protected. But not every child does. A lot of us grow up with a wounded inner child.
Growing up, it’s the emotional and biological responsibility of parents and family members to create a safe environment for us. But not all parents are aware or accept that they have the capacity to fulfill that responsibility.
Safety doesn’t just mean physically protecting us from harm, feeding us, or the other essentials.
Safety also means supporting us on the emotional, psychological, and spiritual levels inherent to us as human beings.
What happens when we don’t feel safe as children?
What happens when this feeling of endangerment is constant and long-lasting?
The answer is a huge gaping wound that appears in the psyche. This painful wound is usually unknowingly repressed by us as adults, but its impacts are profound and far-reaching.
I want you to reflect on your own childhood, the timeline of your early years, and how you felt as a child.
Did you feel safe?
Did you feel a sense of belonging in your family?
Were you permitted to be you?
What is your current relationship with your inner child now?
All of these questions are extremely important to ask and, if you haven’t asked them yet, I hope you do.
Why is it so important to ask these questions and explore your inner child?
Healing your inner child is one of the most serious and profound forms of inner healing we can do.
So much of our behaviour, aversions, and neuroses in the present can be solved by exploring and communicating with your inner child.
What is the Inner Child?
The inner child is the part in our psyche that retains our innocence, creativity, awe, and wonder toward life.
Quite literally, our inner child is the child-like essence that lives within us all. It’s important that we stay connected with this sensitive part of ourselves. When we are, we feel excited, invigorated, and inspired by life, but when we’re disconnected, we feel lethargic, bored, unhappy and empty.
So what does feeling safe feel like?
Safety is not just physical, it is emotional, psychological, and spiritual. When we feel truly safe within our family environment, we have our physical and emotional boundaries respected, our authentic selves accepted, and we feel close to, and loved by, our family members (most notably our parents).
We also need to be given permission to grow and change.
The reality is, though, that life isn’t ideal. The families that we are born into aren’t always great matches for us. This is part of our soul contract.
Growing up, there may have been a number of ways you felt unsafe. Before we proceed, I want to clarify that I am in no way blaming our parents. It’s important to remember that our parents did the best they could with the level of information, education, and emotional and mental maturity they had. Blame and resentment only serves to intensify the pain your inner child may be experiencing. So, be mindful and know your limits when it comes to doing this work.
Here are some of the most common ways we were made to feel unsafe. How many can you relate to?
You were taught that it’s not OK to have your own opinions.
You were punished when trying to speak up or act differently.
You were discouraged from playing or having fun.
You weren’t allowed to be spontaneous.
You weren’t allowed to show strong emotions such as anger or joy.
You were shamed by your parents or family members.
You were verbally criticized/abused on a regular basis.
You were physically punished, e.g. smacked, beaten.
You were made to feel responsible for your parents and their level of happiness.
You weren’t given physical affection, e.g. hugs, kisses, cuddles.
This list is by no means exhaustive. So if you feel I have left something out, please share in the comments.
TYPES OF CHILDHOOD NEGLECT
Let’s break down the ways you were made to feel unsafe and unloved as a child (if you had a dysfunctional upbringing).
Here are three types of childhood neglect you may have experienced:
Emotional Neglect
Your parents didn’t show interest in your emotional needs for love, support, protection, and/or guidance. They either didn’t pay attention to you, or condemned emotional expressions from you. The likely outcome of this may mean:
You developed low self-worth and esteem for yourself.
You began ignoring your emotional needs.
You learned to avoid or repress your emotions as they were associated with feelings of neglect from your childhood.
You developed psychological or physical illnesses connected to your inability to listen to, accept, and deal with your emotions in healthy ways (e.g. emotional repression).
Psychological Neglect
This type of neglect was manifested in childhood by your parents when they failed to listen to, embrace, and nurture the person you were. As you grew older, you likely developed any variety of these symptoms:
You developed low self-esteem issues due to forms of abuse such as ridicule, put-downs, overly high expectations, being ignored, rejected, or constantly punished.
You developed deep anger issues both from unresolved childhood trauma, and an inability to love oneself.
You developed addictions and neurosis to create a misguided sense of comfort and safety within your life.
You developed psychological and/or physical illnesses.
You have problems sustaining healthy and respectful relationships.
Physical Neglect
At a basic and fundamental level, physical safety and nourishment are some of the most intrinsic elements of a loving relationship. We can see this in nature, with mothers and fathers nourishing their chicks, pups, and cubs with food, shelter, and protection. When this is lacking, however, the following issues can develop:
Low self-worth resulting in physical neglect/abuse of oneself, e.g. eating disorders (anorexia, obesity) and possibly self-harm.
Intense safety-seeking behaviours (psychological complexes such as OCD) or extreme risk-taking behaviors (e.g. unprotected sex, obsessive daredevil feats, etc).
Addictions to drugs, alcohol, violence, food, etc.
Sexual dysfunction or promiscuity (often due to sexual abuse).
Take a few moments to breathe and connect with yourself after reading this list. Likely you will feel some strong emotions (but it’s okay if you don’t). I encourage you to take your time and go slowly, being gentle with yourself.
It’s helpful to remember that while some, or even many, of our problems stem from childhood neglect, holding grudges and blame will get us nowhere. People are victims of victims, meaning that the reason why our parents behaved the way they did was most likely because of their neglected upbringing, and their parents experienced the same traumas – and so on and so forth.
SIGNS YOUR INNER CHILD IS CALLING TO BE HEALED
Healing our inner child is extremely important for your emotional wellbeing. The following signs may help you to recognise the deep extent to which your inner child has been wounded, and the level to which you feel unsafe in this world.
In the deepest part of me, I feel that there’s something wrong with me.
I experience anxiety whenever contemplating doing something new.
I’m a people-pleaser and tend to lack a strong identity.
I’m a rebel. I feel more alive when I’m in conflict with others.
I tend to hoard things and have trouble letting go.
I feel guilty standing up for myself.
I feel inadequate as a man or woman.
I’m driven to always be a super-achiever.
I consider myself a terrible sinner and I’m afraid of going to hell.
I constantly criticise myself for being inadequate.
I’m rigid and a perfectionist.
I have trouble starting or finishing things.
I’m ashamed of expressing strong emotions such as sadness or anger.
I rarely get mad but, when I do, I become rageful.
I have sex when I don’t really want to.
I’m ashamed of my bodily functions.
I spend too much time looking at pornography.
I distrust everyone, including myself.
I am an addict or have been addicted to something.
I avoid conflict at all costs.
I am afraid of people and tend to avoid them.
I feel more responsible for others than for myself.
I never felt close to one or both of my parents.
My deepest fear is being abandoned and I’ll do anything to hold onto a relationship.
I struggle to say “no.”
“Hold the hand of the child that lives in your soul. For this child, nothing is impossible.”
– Paulo Coelho
As human beings, we are not linear or two-dimensional. We are all multi-faceted and have multiple selves.
Your inner child is an essential part of the intricate patchwork that makes up your identity. When you ignore or deny your inner child, he/she is doomed to wither away within the deep dark vaults of your unconscious mind.
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