Creating a Conscious Relationship

Great relationships uplift and empower you, they’re a place of refuge, nourishment, deep connection and understanding.

Even through the tough times, the strongest relationships weather the inevitable ups and downs but continue to hold a sense of purpose and meaning.

The problem is, very few of us experience this because we’re simply not taught how.

Instead, we stumble our way through, trying to work it out as we go along. With plenty of heartbreak, disappointment, and conflict along the way.

With self-awareness and the willingness to have the deep conversations needed, a relationship can flourish and grow more beautiful than you could ever imagine. 

The reward is a relationship that meets our most fundamental needs for security, love and belonging, as well as allowing our own personal growth and spiritual development.

It’s called a conscious relationship. 

Many of you may have heard of it but do you truly understand what it means?

A conscious relationship is a relationship that’s created purposefully, decisively, and with intention. It requires clarity and choice around how you want your relationship to feel, how you like to love and be loved, and what your boundaries and non-negotiables are. And it’s intentionally structured to support those needs and desires.

Relationships have changed dramatically over the past few generations. What we want and expect from a relationship has grown infinitely more complex.

Relationships are no longer about simply teaming up to meet our basic needs for food, shelter, and security.

Modern relationships go beyond biological needs and into the realm of the emotional and spiritual:

We want to feel loved and cherished.

We want a partner to share life’s adventures with.

We want our relationship to nurture and inspire us – to help us grow into our best selves and fulfil our highest potential.

All relationships have the potential to meet these needs. But a consciously loving relationship makes this a priority.

But creating a partnership that can satisfy all of these needs – from the most basic physiological needs right up to self-actualisation – is incredibly challenging.

As we ask more of our relationships, our rising expectations lead to increased pressure, and create greater levels of dissatisfaction.

But the relationships that get it right experience more happiness and fulfillment than ever before.

So how do you do it?

By their very nature, conscious relationships are not prescriptive. You’re not following someone else’s rulebook. You’re writing the rules for yourself.

This means that, from the outside, one version of a conscious relationship will look entirely different to another.

Having said that, there are some foundational qualities that distinguish conscious relationships from the default way of doing relationships.

CONSCIOUS RELATIONSHIP QUALITY #1

Radical Responsibility

Also known as ‘owning your shit’.

Radical responsibility requires taking ownership of your limitations and admitting your short-comings:

The places where you can do better.

The relationship skills you need to improve.

YOUR triggers, past hurts, unhelpful coping mechanisms, and your neurotic and compulsive behaviours.

Because there’s no toxic behaviour that can’t be unlearned. No skill that can’t be improved. No challenge that can’t be worked out.

As long as you’re willing to hold yourself to a higher standard.

The problem with this is that our unresolved relationship baggage tends to lurk in our blindspots. Which by its very name makes it hard to see.

Radical responsibility therefore requires some next level self-awareness:

You have to be willing to show up and grow up.

To continually develop your emotional intelligence, your communication skills, and your ability to understand and empathise.

Radical responsibility means taking 100% ownership for your 50% of the relationship.

And if that isn’t challenging enough, owning your limitations is only the beginning.

Radical responsibility also means taking ownership of what you want. Which is surprisingly difficult.

From the day we’re born we’re subject to the relentless conditioning of society, culture, and media.

We’re told how to live our lives, and what our relationships should look like.

This makes it hard to differentiate between what you really want, and what you’re supposed to want.

It’s also incredibly vulnerable.

You have to show your true self, leaving you open to criticism and rejection.

And even if you can identify what you want, we’re taught to prioritise other people’s needs above our own in order to be a ‘good person’ and a ‘good partner’.

Maintaining the status quo feels like the safer (but exhausting) option.

Yet this is how we ‘lose ourselves’ in relationships – by sacrificing our sense of self for the comfort and security of relationships that ultimately don’t serve us.

Instead, radical responsibility asks that you:

Take a courageous stand for yourself – even in the face of rejection or misunderstanding.

Identify your non-negotiables and prioritise them over comfort, security, and acceptance.

Admit to having needs, and take responsibility for what’s truly important to you.

This isn’t demanding your own way or refusing to meet your partner’s needs. It’s not making your partner responsible for meeting your needs either. (Being open to influence and learning how to collaborate are essential aspects of a conscious relationship too).

But it does mean that you refuse to compromise your standards, long-term happiness, or fulfillment for fear of conflict or rejection.

Your needs, your happiness – your LIFE – are your responsibility. If you don’t prioritise them, no one else will.

CONSCIOUS RELATIONSHIP QUALITY #2

Growth Mindset

We rarely come into relationships with the best toolkit for success. As radical responsibility identifies – we each have our triggers, past wounds, and unhelpful ways of dealing with conflict. But a growth mindset assumes we can learn to do better.

All relationships provide the perfect opportunity for those hidden hurts to arise. (That’s why no one will push your buttons quite like your partner does).

A conscious relationship doesn’t see this as a problem. In a conscious relationship, your baggage is brought to the surface so that you can learn to heal and grow through it. It’s how your relationship helps you become a more loving, compassionate, and courageous version of yourself.

There’s no better place to process and sort your shit out than a conscious relationship.

A growth-mindset acknowledges that there’ll be times of challenge and conflict in your relationship – but that’s not a bad thing.

Anticipating and encouraging these natural relationship growth stages invites us into higher-order thinking and problem solving. It’s an invitation to collaborate, work as a team, and face these inevitable challenges together.

The problem with a growth-mindset,however, is that growth can easily become over-emphasised.

Over-prioritising growth will burn out a relationship just as quickly as avoiding it will.

A relationship that is constantly ‘processing’ creates imbalance and unnecessary drama.

Despite the ideology pushed by popular personal development memes, you don’t always have to be ‘pushing the envelope’ or ‘stretching outside your comfort zone’.

In secure, high-functioning relationships, the comfort zone is valued too.

Connection, fun, intimacy, security, relaxation, healing, bonding – even growth – all occur in the comfort zone.

Yes, facing your fears and challenging yourself is important, but having a safe, nurturing place to integrate those challenges is just as important.

Ultimately, a conscious relationship doesn’t need to force growth. Life already presents endless opportunities to grow.

But, by adopting a growth-mindset, you hold yourself to a higher standard in order to embrace that growth, and to move beyond limiting relationship patterns.

CONSCIOUS RELATIONSHIP QUALITY #3

Presence & Appreciation

Contrary to conventional wisdom, the leading cause of relationship breakdown isn’t communication problems, conflict, or affairs. It’s the slow decay of friendship and closeness.

This breakdown is often seen as inevitable. That, over time, a relationship simply loses its spark as you grow further apart. But friendship and connection only break down if you become complacent or check out.

Presence is the preventative medicine.

Being present means being actively invested and involved in your relationship. That you prioritise quality time with each other, and that you’re alert and engaged when sharing that time.

Which is a huge challenge in today’s world of smart phones and hyper-distraction.

Presence requires dedication and consistent effort. Not only in taming the never ending mind-chatter, but also in the effort to honour each other.

Presence means being there, in your relationship. Choosing it. Prioritising it. And showing your partner with words and actions that you’re here with them, not simply coexisting or taking them for granted.

However ‘just showing up’ isn’t enough. 

Honouring each other also means sharing your appreciation, and showing your partner that you value them and all they bring to your life.

Appreciation doesn’t come naturally and needs to be practiced intentionally. In fact, appreciation contradicts the way our brains naturally function.

Us humans have what’s called a ‘negativity bias’.

We notice what’s not working far more than we notice what is working.

This means that the problems in your relationship will take on far more emotional and psychological significance to you. Over time, this undermines your ability to recognise the joys and blessings that exist in your relationship.

Which is why mindfully practicing appreciation is so important.

Let’s be clear though, appreciation is not bypassing. You’re not neglecting problems or ignoring the challenges.

Appreciation means that you spend as much time actively looking for what’s right about your relationship as you do trying to resolve what’s wrong.

And, the amazing thing about appreciation, it’s a self-reinforcing, upward spiral of acknowledgment, praise, and validation:

The more you look for things to be grateful for in your relationship, the more you find. And that continual positive reinforcement inspires you both to become better people and better partners.

Appreciation is powerful. It has the ability to transform even the most dysfunctional relationships. If you’re willing to try.



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