The Necessity of Self-Forgiveness

Shame is cancer of the psyche. It eats away at us slowly, tainting everything we experience with its dark glow of self-loathing. And it all stems from a lack of self-forgiveness.

Have you ever betrayed someone you loved, overstepped a boundary you thought you’d never cross, or inflicted harm upon yourself (or another)?

I can guarantee we all have.

You’re not a horrible person, you’re just a wounded human being.

While I’m not here to excuse anything you’ve done (self-responsibility is crucial), I am here to be a voice of compassion. Hating yourself won’t make anything better. 

It’s time for some self-forgiveness for your past wrongdoings.

It involves changing your perception of yourself and what happened through the eyes of self-compassion and self-understanding.

By understanding the deeper mechanics of why you did what you did, and holding yourself in the embrace of self-love, you can let go, move on, and feel free again.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s vital to have a certain level of guilt/shame after hurting ourselves or someone else. Without guilt, we would ignore the impact of our behaviour. 

But guilt and shame become toxic when they begin to fester within us; when we can’t let go of what we’ve done or move on.

Picture a stagnant pool of water – that’s what a lack of self-forgiveness feels like. There is no growth, no movement, no freshness, no life inside, only the same old, rancid sludge of self-hating thoughts.

In fact, when we carry toxic guilt and shame, we tend to create a negative and unrealistic image of ourselves in our minds.

Such dark self-images sadly tend to create self-fulfilling prophecies or negative feedback loops. In other words, if we carry the negative core belief that we’re a cheater who doesn’t have an ounce of loyalty within us, we may perpetuate that same behaviour in our next relationship.

HOW TO FORGIVE YOURSELF 

To prevent the same old mistakes from happening, learning how to forgive ourselves is crucial.

Self-forgiveness gives us a new lease on life, it frees us to grow, change, and transform in positive ways. Sometimes, it inspires us to help others in similar circumstances that we once experienced (or inflicted). 

Yes, guilt and shame are important to feel, but only up until a certain point. We need to mourn and regret our behaviour, but we also need to make space to learn from our mistakes and change as a person.

Here’s how self-forgiveness helps us:

We stop dwelling in (and endlessly reliving) the past

We begin living in the present moment

We have more hope for the future

We develop more self-love and understanding

We can more readily forgive others

We learn from our mistakes and transform as people

We have more energy and motivation for life

We learn how to become a better person

Learning how to forgive yourself is a journey that can take anywhere from a day to a lifetime – it’s truly a unique process, and there’s no right or wrong pace at which you “should” be moving.

Like you, I am imperfect.

I have done things that have shamed me to the core.

I have regrets.

I have a shadow self.

But I’ve also done a lot of inner work and healing that has helped me to move past my mistakes and transform as a person.

There may be more hiccups in the future but, by knowing the importance of self-forgiveness, I trust that I’ll be able to get through them. 

Even if I don’t have immediate success, I have practiced these philosophies enough to know that I will learn from my mistakes.

Here is what I’ve learned from my own journey and helping others on their journey:

Understand that you cannot change the past. 

The past is done, gone, kaput.

You cannot change or alter it.

Therefore, dwelling obsessively over what you “could” or “should” have done is a waste of time and energy.

Beating yourself up achieves nothing but more self-hatred. 

Do you want to “fix” what happened? The only way to do that now is to move forward and let your mistakes teach you and transform you as a person. 

RECOGNISING YOUR LEVEL OF CONSCIOUSNESS 

We’re all doing the best we can based on the level of consciousness we have in that moment.

Throughout life, we all have varying degrees of mental, emotional, and spiritual maturity. 

The you then, is not the you now.

Your life has changed. You’ve aged. You’ve had more experiences. You’ve learned more, felt more, seen more, and understood more. Even your body has changed. There is not one part of you that hasn’t changed (except, perhaps, your Soul and your Authentic Self). 

So how can you keep resenting yourself? 

Dedicate some serious time to reflecting on this truth.

You can do this by feeling into the emotions you’re holding in your body and see if you can recall a time when you were younger when the same feelings existed. 

Perhaps you weren’t as aware, awake, and conscious of the consequences.

Perhaps you were reacting from old wounds. 

We all have wounds, unfortunately not many of us pay attention to them. No matter how small your wound is, it still deserves to be acknowledged and seen for the pain it inflicted on you. 

Perhaps your shadow self temporarily took over.

Our Shadow is comprised largely of elements of our nature - our repressed sexuality, fears, frailties, secret desires, and so on - that we have rejected for various reasons and, as such, have effectively split off, forming a type of secondary personality that emerges under certain conditions, like stress, anxiety, strong emotions, and anything involving sudden change.

Do some digging and cut yourself some slack. 

REFLECTING ON YOUR SHADOW SELF

We all have a dark side, a place within us that we would prefer not to look at.

This dark side is usually unconscious and was formed due to experiences in life that taught us that certain parts of us were “good” and other parts were “bad.”

It is this Shadow Self that causes us to self-sabotage, seethe with jealousy, be blinded by rage, lie to our partners, and hurt our loved ones. 

What is, perhaps, most critical to remember, is that this is just one part of you, it is not the whole of you. When we struggle to forgive ourselves, we tend to identify solely with (and as) our Shadow Selves, and forget all of our kind, loving, and endearing qualities. 

Remember that whatever you did is not a reflection of your True Nature – it is a result of your unexamined Shadow erupting to the surface of your life and wreaking havoc.

If anything, whatever you’ve done has gifted you with the blessing of knowing first-hand the importance of Shadow Work (or exploring your Shadow). Take this as a wake-up call to start the inward journey of involution, of inner transformation – not as a call to continue demonizing yourself.

When we’ve made a serious mistake (or have done something that triggers intense toxic shame in us), it’s important that we make space to process these feelings.

Mind you, ruminating and dredging up old memories repeatedly is not processing your feelings: it’s simmering in them.

It’s time to do away with that form of self-punishment. Facing, feeling, and expressing what’s going on inside of you will be a vital part of your healing journey.

Now it’s time to look at what needs were unmet at the time?

As Psychologist, Marshall B. Rosenberg, writes,

Turning our attention to the part of the self which chose to act in the way that led to the present situation, we ask ourselves, “When I behaved in the way which I now regret, what need of mine was I trying to meet?” I believe that human beings are always acting in the service of needs and values. This is true whether the action does or does not meet the need, or whether it’s one we end up celebrating or regretting.

UNDERSTANDING WHY YOU ACTED THE WAY YOU DID

There is a reason why you acted the way you did in the past, and that’s because you were trying to get a need met (in the best way you knew how to in that moment).

So, treat yourself with some compassion and explore what need you were trying to satisfy. 

Was it the need to be loved?

The need to be respected?

The need to be seen?

The need to be heard?

The need to feel safe?

By understanding your underlying need, a certain level of guilt and shame is lifted.

At some point in your journey, you’ll know that it’s time to let go. You’ll be tired of the constant mental berating and guilt trips. You’ll crave for peace; for a new beginning. When this time comes, you’ll know you’re finally ready to let go. 

Letting go tends to sound whimsical and vague to most people. But it doesn’t have to be. There are certain practices you can do to make this experience solid and memorable. I recommend practicing a simple fire release ritual to help you let go and move on.

To practice a fire ritual, simply write what you’d like to let go of on your piece of paper. Then, light the paper on fire, drop it into a bowl, and watch it burn.

As it burns, know that you are also burning away old patterns and habits. You are simultaneously experiencing a death and rebirth.

Finally, take care of yourself. Be gentle and kind, knowing that it’s okay to make mistakes and be human.

If you need help practicing self-love, by all means seek out counseling (sometimes it helps to have a friendly face there to hold space for you).

If you notice harsh self-talk popping up, explore practices such as mindfulness, meditation, and affirmations.

The most important thing in self-help is self-forgiveness: it’s when we relax into the vulnerability of our humanity, and find compassion for our own internal struggles.

Remember, you are human. You make mistakes. And that’s okay.

What matters now is how you use those bumps in the road to fuel your growth and transformation.

Will you let them eat you alive or will you use them as motivation to keep evolving?

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