Narcissistic Traits - Where Are You on The Spectrum?
We ALL have tendencies along the narcissistic spectrum.
Though many of us don't want to admit this, the more you deny it, the further on the spectrum you may be.
And we've ALL likely engaged in at least some of the behaviours listed here, because we are human and humans make mistakes. That’s why they’re called mis-takes, so we can hopefully learn from them and next time do better.
The question is, do these traits arise during conflict or are they a regular occurrence?
However, the biggest thing here is whether the person who did the deceiving, denying, or not necessarily telling the entire truth, repeatedly violating boundaries, is now the person who is also playing the role of the victim, and choosing to run and abandon to avoid accountability. That's a whole different story.
There is a distinct difference between: messing up and being human, but then following up by taking ownership, accountability, and putting in clear and intentional efforts to do better..
And messing up but then denying, deflecting, and justifying, to avoid taking ownership and accountability.
These behaviours are not always intentional, nor malicious. There are many times you may not even know you’re doing it.
These relationships do not always have to end, but they can only work if this individual is able to recognise their behaviours and the impact of them, and then make the effort to change or get help.
These behaviours are often rooted in trauma, survival behaviours, and sometimes neurodivergence, etc. However, trauma, attachment style, or mental health, isn’t an acceptable excuse to repeatedly cause harm to another individual.
It is always our responsibility to set boundaries and protect our peace.
Covert narcissists have a blatant inability to take accountability, resulting in behaviours such as denying, deflecting, justifying, or even abandonment whenever you express that they've hurt you.
These individuals will work very hard to secure the role of the victim, because they are so offended that you had the audacity to try to expose their true colours.
RECOGNISING A COVERT NARCISSIST
Disagreements are a natural part of human interaction and, when handled constructively, they can lead to personal growth and strengthened relationships.
Covert narcissists are a bit tricky to understand, though, because they are often very friendly, helpful, and likable to most people.
They work very hard to maintain a public persona of this all-around good person but, when they are told no or don't get their way, these behaviours quickly take a tum.
Covert narcissists can be hard to identify because they gain their reputation of being so likable through these tactics, such as manipulation, people-pleasing, being overly friendly and well-mannered, always trying to make others laugh, and so on.
Covert narcissists are also pretty effective at going unnoticed because their behaviours are often done under the radar. Meaning they truly are covert and passive-aggressive, so that they can easily deny them. When these behaviours are more obvious, they are rarely done in front of other people.
Because much of this is so under the radar, it can cause you to feel like you are crazy or that you are the problem, because they will often deny, deflect, or justify their behaviors in a way that results in you feeling bad for your reaction to their behaviours. Then, you find yourself thinking the issue here must be you.
And, even though they do a convincing job of making you feel like you are the problem, at some point, you can only take so much of the selfishness, the yelling, deceiving, the blow-ups (hidden from others), the anger and abandonment (when they are faced with accountability), and so on.
But, when you've finally had enough, unfortunately, they will call you toxic, crazy, a hypocrite, etc. because they start working really hard to get you to see them as the ‘victim' in the chaos they have created.
This is where you need to realise what you are dealing with.
Emotionally immature people will always seek out other emotionally immature people to support their narrative. That’s not to say you are emotionally immature, but perhaps the pattern they are portraying is one you are familiar with from childhood, and that trauma is still being held in your body.
So, get clear on your truth, take accountability for your role, and then remove yourself from this cycle.
ARGUING WITH A COVERT NARCISSIST
Arguing is bound to happen from time to time in any relationship, whether it’s with a friend, family member, or romantic partner.
However, when one party in the argument is a covert narcissist, the dynamics can become much more complicated. So complicated that it’s necessary to decode things covert narcissists say in an argument.
Covert narcissists are individuals who exhibit narcissistic traits, but do so in a sly, less overt manner. On the surface, they appear humble and generous, and have reasonable self-esteem. The covert narcissist’s carefully constructed mask hides the more sinister soul who lies within but, again, this is usually caused by childhood trauma.
TRAITS A COVERT NARCISSIST IS KNOWN FOR
1. “You’re overreacting,” or “You’re too sensitive.”
One of the most insidious tactics employed by covert narcissists during arguments is the dreaded gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation, where the narcissist makes you doubt your feelings, perceptions, and sanity.
When you express your emotions or concerns during an argument, a covert narcissist may respond with phrases like, “You’re blowing this out of proportion,” or “You love arguments, don’t you?”
These comments aim to undermine your grasp on reality and feelings, making you question whether you have a valid reason to be upset.
Gaslighting is particularly damaging because it erodes your self-confidence. Over time, you may become hesitant to express your emotions or concerns, ultimately allowing the covert narcissist to maintain control over the relationship, which is, of course, precisely what they want. It’s time to start trusting your personal feelings and intuition. Seek support from friends or family who can help you validate your emotions and experiences.
2. “You’re always attacking me.”
Covert narcissists will always portray themselves as victims, even when they are the ones responsible for the conflict. Things covert narcissists say in an argument, “You’re always attacking me,” or “I can never do anything right in your eyes.” It’s all about shifting the focus away from their actions and redirecting it towards you, making you feel guilty or responsible for their emotional distress. In this scenario, the narcissist reenacts their childhood, resorting back to the helpless figure they once were, and positions you as the bullying adult.
By playing the victim, covert narcissists elicit sympathy and support from those around them, making it nearly impossible for you to address the real issues at hand. If possible, stay focused on the actual problem and don’t allow yourself to get sucked into a guilt trip. Stick to the facts, express your feelings clearly, and avoid falling into the role of the bad guy that the covert narcissist is trying to cast you as. Crucially, know when to save yourself and walk away.
3. “What about when you did this?”
Next, in things covert narcissists say in an argument, we have their deflection statements.
Covert narcissists are professionals at avoiding accountability for their actions. When confronted, they may respond with, “What about when you did this?” or “You’re no better than me.” The covert narcissist’s number one goal is to divert attention away from their wrongdoing, by shifting blame onto you. Utterly maddening.
Deflection makes it beyond challenging to resolve conflicts and address the underlying issues in the relationship. If the covert narcissist tries to bringing up past events or unrelated grievances, calmly (if you can) steer the conversation back to the current issue and the behaviour you want to address.
4. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
Another common tactic, and next on the list of things covert narcissists say in an argument, is to say nothing at all. When faced with a conflict, the narcissist may decide to withdraw suddenly, refuse to engage in the discussion, or state, “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” They aim to shut down the conversation, and maintain control by depriving you of the opportunity to express your thoughts and feelings.
The silent treatment is frustrating and hurtful, leaving you unheard and dismissed. Now’s the time to establish boundaries and assert the importance of open communication in the relationship. Let the covert narcissist know that avoiding the issue is not a productive way to resolve conflicts. Sadly, the narcissist is highly unlikely to ‘get it,’ but at least you’ve had your say.
5. “I love you so much; why are you doing this to me?”
Covert narcissists go through their lives attempting to gain sympathy and keep you emotionally invested in the relationship. Amidst an argument, they may suddenly switch gears and start love-bombing, saying things like, “I love you, and I would never do this to you,” or “I can’t live without you.” This tactic aims to make you feel guilty for causing upset to them, and to keep you emotionally attached to them.
Stay calm and recognise this behaviour for what it is: a manipulation technique. Stay focused on the issue at hand, and don’t allow expressions of love or affection to throw you off from addressing the underlying problems in the relationship.
6. “I guess I’m just a terrible person.”
Finally, in things covert narcissists say in an argument, we have self-belittling. When faced with a situation that threatens their already shaky self-image, or when their manipulation tactics are exposed, covert narcissists resort to tried and tested self-deprecation. By showing vulnerability and admitting fault, they aim to elicit reassurance and kind words from the other person. This phrase serves as a ploy to manipulate emotions and seek validation. The narcissist wants you to tell them that they are not the negative character they’re subtly portraying. It’s a means to regain control of the situation, by drawing sympathy and attention back to them.
Finally, dealing with a covert narcissist in an argument is essentially impossible. No matter how calm and reasonable your character, the narcissist will push you to the edge of sanity. Learn to recognise their manipulation tactics, and work to maintain your own emotional well-being and self-esteem.
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